An uprising

Oh God, You said that You never leave and You never forsake.
What is going on now?
I cry out. A heart, torn and rent. I know You are near, but my heart still breaks.
Day after day I wonder when You will draw back Your hand.
My strength has left me. I keep no more hope for myself.
Hour after hour I long and hope. I seek rest, but it escapes me.
Now I only find solace when I am not awake – a life on the edge of utter exhaustion.
My strength runs on the brink of despair. I fall to the ground. I can see no end.
I thought it was over. I thought it was done. Now, I see it was only a lull. It was only an ebb in the work You are doing. Now the full force of the flow of Your Hand goes forth.
I can not stand. I keep no strength, no hope, and no confidence in my own ability.
In the morning I am forced to trust in You.
There is only one remedy, and there is only one cure.
Not on my own, I command faith to arise. Deep calls out to deep.
Deep has now visited. Deep upon deep sets the table and takes counsel.
I see beauty all around me. I am hemmed in, before and behind.
There is a hedge around me. Its walls are thick and sure.
What do I believe? Oh God, I believe in Your love.
There is no other safe place.
Hope for a future… it hurts worse than I ever thought it could.
Opened up once more, the first time in years, and the hope was shut off.
Yet, even now, in brokenness, it was worth it… that another may know of the beauty they posses, that another may know love – like a breaking dawn – if for only that, all was worth it.
I look in the mirror and do not recognize my eyes any more. They carry a great weight that they have not yet carried. I listen to my own voice and it too carries a weight that I have not yet known.
I walk, more and less sure. I approach each day, with more and less confidence. My entire outlook has shifted. I keep utterly no confidence in my own ability. I only walk in the strength of my God. I no longer run to close ones when great pain comes. I run to the arms of One who is greater. I no longer worry about my own life. I have given it up. I see each day as a day that does not belong to me. I walk with great pain.
Each movement, each word, each hour… I can feel come and go. I used to rush in life, I have found I have to slow down. The only words that I now heed are the words of the One who died for me when He says “Come Away My Beloved”. I go to that place.
It is in the wilderness, it is at the olive press, it is at the breaking point, it is in the praetorians’ cell, it is in a cave in the Negev, it is in the house of mourning.
Why does God work so hard to answer our prayers for intimacy with Him…? I cried out for it. I pleaded for it. I prayed and fasted for it. I said “Oh God, I want You. Take all else away. Call me, draw me, bring me to Your inner chambers and Your inner courts! Have my life!”
And then He answered that prayer.
Who could have guessed that it would look like this? …to share in Christ’s sufferings… to be made more like Him… for Him to increase and for us to decrease… it comes at a cost.
We can’t have something for nothing. We can’t be brought into the inner chambers of the King and live our own life.
He has to work in the heart to build the integrity and character and dependence on Him to handle such treasure as intimacy with Him. Intimacy comes at a price.
It is connected and can not be separated from the dying to the flesh.
The more of the Spirit, the more of the world has to go.
Hope deferred… is not hope destroyed.
Defer by definition is to pass on to another time.
It will still come to pass.
So the only appropriate response is to press into the King.
The only thing left to do is to pray, is to fast, is to answer His call to come away as Beloved. Though my lip quivers, though my teeth shake, though my knees tremble, though my strength wanes… I call faith to arise. With nothing left… faith arise. With no hope, with no strength, with less than nothing left… faith, arise.
Faith, Arise!